Introduction of the 78th Annual Academy Awards répliques

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• Good evening everybody, ladies, gentlemen... Felicity...

• Tonight is the night we celebrate excellence in film … with me ... the fourth male lead in "Death To Smoochy."

• And right now around the world, we're being watched by hundreds of millions of people, nearly half of whom are in the process of being adopted by Angelina Jolie. I'm waitlisted.

•  The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favourite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner.

• It hasn’t been the best year for Hollywood. The box office was … a little bit down. And piracy continues to be a problem. So let me just say that if there is anyone out there involve in a illegal movie piracy. Don’t do it! Take a good look at these people. This is the people you are stealing. LOOK AT THEM! FACE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE! There are women here who could barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts.

• I do have some sad news to report. Bjork couldn't be here tonight, she was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

• Steven Spielberg … A best director nomination for Munich. Tremendous film and I congratulate you sir … for the man who also gave us “Schindler List” … “Schindler's List” and “Munich”… I think that I speak for all the Jews when I say 'I can't wait to see what happens to us next!'

• You know what actually would be easier: raise your hand if were not in 'Crash'.

• We've got movies about racism, prejudice, censorship, murders. This is why we go to movies, for an escape.